Ex-Eagles and new 49ers coach Chip Kelly asks to find the home locker room at Levi’s Stadium, so he can lose it later.
By Annie Ross
Nobody has a better take on this whacky run-up to the Super Bowl than Mark Whicker is the Los Angeles Daily News, who also was a Philly Daily News columnist back in the 1980s.
Here are his predictions:
• Hungry Carolina offensive linemen keep getting weird looks when they ask how to get to the Tenderloin.
• Manning explains a controversial report by saying he and Papa John’s were designing a Ham, Green onions and Hummus (HGH) pizza.
• The NFL’s Competition Committee meets to determine the exact definition of a “catch.” Their unanimous answer: Giselle Bundchen.
• Denver coach Gary Kubiak, Elway’s former backup, complains he isn’t getting enough press-conference reps.
• The line: Panthers by 4.5.
• A blue-ribbon NFL panel reports repetitive head trauma can make you forget to hand off to Marshawn Lynch on the 1-yard-line.
• Panthers coach Ron Rivera sues EA Sports for making him look like he weighs 350 pounds on Madden 2016.
• Commissioner Roger Goodell says the NFL will never move a franchise to Las Vegas, but encourages all Draft Kings players to activate Cam Newton.
• Charlotte native Steph Curry and the Warriors visit Carolina’s practice, win 125-91.
• The line: Panthers by 5.
• Google, Apple and other Silicon Valley giants protest the arrival of the Panthers and Broncos, because they “might dangerously lower” San Francisco’s standard of living.
• Newton conducts his entire final pre-Super Bowl interview in mime.
• Broncos offensive line coach James Gregg, who had the same job at USC, flinches when the team bus goes by Stanford.
• Roger Staubach, Doug Williams, Phil Simms, Joe Montana and Russell Wilson bring in a UC Berkeley economist to calculate how much richer they are because they played Denver in Super Bowls.
• The line: Panthers by 7.
• Johnny Manziel is held out of competition due to the NFL’s new hangover protocol.
• The Rams’ owner, trying to show he’s adjusting to Los Angeles, changes his name to Clayton Kobe Kroenke.
• New 49ers coach Chip Kelly asks to find the home locker room at Levi’s Stadium, so he can lose it later.
• Denver’s Bradley Roby rises to second in presidential polls after his interception beat New England.
• The line: Panthers by 6.
• Brock Osweiler encourages Manning to make the most of his final Super Bowl, visit Alcatraz, have a few late-night Irish coffees at Buena Vista, etc.
• With tens of thousands of North Carolinians in San Francisco, Andy and Barney report a sharp downturn in crime.
• The United Kingdom threatens sanctions against the U.S. if the NFL sends the Jaguars to London again.
• Goodell says he recognizes “the debt we owe to Rams fans,” promises to tape the next “Play 60” commercial in St. Louis..
• The line: Panthers by 6.
• Adele rejects an invitation to do the next Super Bowl halftime show. NFL agrees to play the game between concerts.
Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, Terrell Davis, Marvin Harrison and Tony Dungy make the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Dr. Bennett Omalu falls just short.
• San Francisco merchants report a sudden and alarming shortage of handcuffs and whips.
• The league turns down a request by the Browns to make all NFL drafts reviewable.
• The line: Panthers by 5.5.
• Former Panthers kicker John Kasay comes to midfield for the toss, kicks the coin out of bounds.
• Levi’s Stadium announces no plastic items, other than Jim Nantz, will be allowed on game day.
• Denver’s Vernon Davis, an ex-49er, drops a pass at Levi’s Stadium, just for the memories.
• Manning throws the winning touchdown to Owen Daniels, then reinjures his neck attempting to “dab” and officially retires.