What has always sucked:

In the minds of Eagles fans, that Super Bowl win validated all of their needless assholery and encouraged them to be awful, awful people from here into eternity.

I know that being a dickhead pays in 2019’s America, but that doesn’t mean you should embrace the trend. Oh, but these people have.

They couldn’t WAIT to have God grant them every excuse to beat the piss out of each other, tear down stoplights, spit on babies, and teabag the elderly.

Even if the Eagles underperform this season (and they will once Wentz has his scapula forcibly removed by an opposing DT), that’s not gonna stop these dumpster people from acting like they have the God-given right to suck, and that being the worst is the only way to be the best.

Every vehicle in the stadium parking lot is a pickup truck with a Blue Lives Matter flag. Meanwhile, Philly is Alabama without mayonnaise barbecue. Their accent, like Boston’s, is just the result of centuries of inbreeding. They worship gas station food. That one fan who ate the horse poop would probably not even be in the 50th percentile of bad breath at an Eagles game. The city’s most famous company is the most widely despised company in America and it’s not even an arms manufacturer. The city’s most famous college gave Donald Trump a degree when Donald Trump can’t even read the buttons on a calculator.

I’m not done! Philly’s basically a turnpike rest stop between D.C. and NYC.

The city’s biggest celebrities are all local news anchors. Anyone who makes it big, even the slightest bit, flees; David Morse is the only famous guy who still lives there and you don’t even know who that is.

The whole enterprise is repellent and the presence of the Eagles within it somehow only makes it more unappealing.

These fans love being miserable and spend every day making sure the rest of us are somehow even more miserable. They have succeeded.


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